So I spoke to Sam on Tuesday. Even though I've been seething with rage for the past couple of weeks he's been M.I.A. I decided to be civil, for Violet's sake, and maybe for my own sanity. I had asked if we were still doing this child support thing and he said he would call me on either Thursday or Friday to come over and help me fill out the forms. Thursday and Friday have come and gone and he never called, came by, answered my calls and I'm just done already. I feel like I can't keep waiting around to make things convenient for him when he's not moving a god damned fucking muscle to make a single second of this convenient for me. Sorry. I'm just that upset. I never imagined that my first pregnancy would be this unhappy/emotionally exhausting. Especially when it was someone who I've been "friends" with for the past seven years. You'd think that'd mean something. Anyway, so I was at the church with my mom this morning and the nun who is usually there conducting this and that was talking to everyone in the lobby in Spanish. (I'd never heard her speak English). She came up to talk to us as we were leaving and my mom mentioned I was pregnant. The nun got very excited and my mom left me to wait there so the nun could give me some clothes and stuff for my baby. When she came back she started asking how long my husband and I have been together and how many children we had. I said this was our first and that we weren't married. She started telling me how a man and woman who bear children need to be married (in a totally non pushy or judgemental fashion) and it was hard to hold that conversation. All I could do was agree with her and not speak much. I was choking up the entire time and trying not to cry because my heart was already broken and the pieces were only getting smaller. I feel so guilty that I can't have a family. I'm the only girl at the doctor's without her baby daddy. He's never been to an appointment. I hate having to choose between the man I've loved for seven years and the girl I so infinitely love now (not that the choice is hard). I resent being a fool and I feel like such a jackass everytime someone asks about her father. I wish there was something I could do to remedy this situation but this is just my reality and all I can do is accept it and try to make the best of it. All I can do is get my hands on everything and take in another direction because this is clearly not working out. Fuck. :\
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